When should we have these conversations?

Before conception — and ideally before committing to the arrangement at all, since some answers might change your decision about whether to proceed together at all, not just how you'd write the agreement.

What if we disagree on some of these?

Disagreement isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but it's a clear signal to talk it through fully — possibly with a counselor or mediator — before proceeding, rather than assuming it will resolve itself.

How is this different from a co-parenting agreement?

This is the conversation that comes first — finding out whether you're actually compatible as co-parents, motivation to lifestyle to values. Once you both want to proceed, our co-parenting agreement checklist covers what to put in writing.

Two people having an open, exploratory conversation at a kitchen table

Guide

Questions to Ask Before Having a Child Together

Before having a child with a co-parent or partner, have an open conversation — not a legal one yet — about why each of you actually wants this, what daily parenting looks like in your head, how much you can each realistically contribute financially, your instincts on discipline and work-life balance, where you each picture living, and how you'd feel if the other person's circumstances or feelings changed. This is a discovery conversation to find out if you're compatible, which should happen before you ever sit down to write a formal agreement.

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Key facts

Why do you actually want this? Motivations differ more than people expect — wanting a legacy, wanting to nurture, responding to a deadline (age, timeline pressure), or something else entirely. Different motivations can still be compatible, but only if you know what you're each working with.
What does daily parenting look like in your head? Ask each other to describe an ordinary Tuesday five years from now — who's doing pickup, who's cooking, who's up at 2am. The gap between two people's mental images is often bigger than either expects.
How much can each of you realistically contribute financially — not just willing to, but actually able to, given your real income and other obligations? This is a compatibility question here, distinct from the formal cost-splitting formula that belongs in a written agreement later.
What are your instincts on discipline, and how much work/career are you each planning to keep versus scale back? Neither needs a fixed answer yet — but wildly different instincts here are worth surfacing early, not discovering after conception.
Where do you each picture living — same city, same neighborhood, walking distance? And separately: how often do you actually want contact with each other as co-parents, day to day, versus at a distance?
How would you feel — not just what would happen contractually — if the other person entered a new relationship, wanted to move, or their feelings about the arrangement changed? Ask about the emotional reaction, not only the logistics; the logistics belong in the written agreement.
What role do you each want extended family and community to play, and are your instincts here compatible or in tension?

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